What a year!!! It was just a year ago that Japan was rocked by an earthquake, disease and pestilence ravaged third world countries like England, Germany and China. In addition, the world’s financial markets were set to collapse as Greece was about to put the weight of the world on its shoulders (statue pun intended).

Fortunately, new functionality for Transcendent, Mintek’s flagship web-based EAM product has changed the course of history. In the last 12 months Transcendent has been credited with:

Direct Effects of Transcendent

  1. Solving the national Greek budget crisis by ensuring that government employees were actually working. The European Union has now mandated Transcendent for all governments. The rest of the world is sure to follow.
  2. Ending global concerns about fresh water supplies by eliminating leaks through proactive maintenance.
  3. Decreasing the size of the ozone hole through better energy efficiency and thus eliminating greenhouse gasses.
  4. Increasing global food production with better asset management thus eliminating world hunger.
  5. Eliminating Spam and Junk Mail through patented software administrative filters that know who you want to receive mail from without users having to manually identify spammers.

Sounds unbelievable but its true and there is even more.

Unexpected Results of Transcendent

There were many unexpected wonders brought about by the new asset and maintenance management improvements. Improvements in the quality of life as well as helping to maintain important landmarks top the list.

  1. Causes weight loss as a result of more efficient work management. New work efficiencies have decreased the amount of time workers need to be sitting at desk filling out paperwork. As a result, workers have more time to spend in the field or walking during rounds.
  2. Cured obesity, cancer, and hair loss thus lowering health insurance premiums for everyone except for people with no sense of humor. This is all a direct result of more efficient and effective document management which enabled scientists to consolidate global research and discover cures.
  3. Enabled government and municipal leaders to set standard operating procedures (SOPs) for maintenance so that all historical landmarks and ruins in the world could be preserved.
  4. Stopped global warming because healthier people drive less, reducing everyone’s carbon footprint and lowering global warming concerns.
  5. Was shown in lab tests to cause amazing mental acuity which enabled historians to determine who shot JFK as well as who built the great pyramid.

The Future of Mankind

Now that the secret is out of the bag, devious sports executives want to use Transcendent to create their own future. Rumor has it the Cubs have started using asset management software to try and win a World Series and the Tampa Bay Bucs are using it in the hope of a winning season.

With Transcendent, we all now live healthy lives in a peaceful world free of disease, hunger, hate and fear. Researchers are also implementing Transcendent in the hope of accurately predicting earthquakes so that damage from disasters like the Japan earthquake in 2012 is minimized.

Not surprisingly, Mintek has been nominated for multiple Nobel prizes this year including Peace, Medicine and Document management. The secret is a whole lot of peanut butter and little bit of magic.

Share with us how Mintek has rocked your world. If you liked this article you may also enjoy reading:

* This is an April Fools Post, the names of people, places and assets have been changed to protect the innocent.